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Archive for the ‘Step Parenting’ Category

Preparing for remarriage is a time to focus on the realities of step family life. Is it going to be hard – you bet! Will there be rewards – sometimes, but not always! Is it worth it – depends on how hard you’re willing to work to make it successful. Let’s look at some pitfalls to avoid…

People rarely have a clue what a relationship with a step-child will be like. It’s not because we’re stupid. It’s just that there aren’t any guide books for step families. We just assume it’s ok to play by biological family rules. A lot of false beliefs happens as a result of this. Today, I’d like to look at some of the most common and present a more realistic view of what you’re likely to experience.

1. I get along fine with the children now, so our relationship will only improve once I’m married to their parent.

Children view their relationship with you VERY differently once you are married to their parent. Things are permanent now. Any hopes they may have been holding onto about mom and dad reconciling are dead, and you’re a part of that death. This quite obviously can cause serious resentment.

2. The kids are only over every other weekend. That shouldn’t cause much of a disruption to our home life.

Just because a child is over every other weekend, doesn’t mean they can’t wreak havoc on your home and life. I receive tons of questions from fledgling step-parents struggling with what to do to manage what they view as the “disruption” to their lives when the kids come to visit. It’s not that they don’t like the kids, it’s just that their usual schedule gets turned topsy turvy.

3. My partner loves me. so obviously their kids will too.

Nowhere does it say that just because a child’s parent loves you, that they have to. Many kids have the opinion that they already have 2 parents and they aren’t interested in having any more. Your goal in the beginning needs to be for a friendly, civil relationship – not one full of love. If you get love, great! But, don’t count on it.

4. I’m an adult… How tough can it be to win a kid over?

It can be VERY difficult to “win over” a step-child. The problem is your attitude. It’s really a manipulative one. Rather than “win” them over, the focus needs to be on being present in their lives and slowly trying to build a relationship with them.

5. I won’t have to be the “bad guy” with these kids. My spouse will take care of all the discipline.

While this SHOULD be the way things go, it rarely does. Most of the time single parents are so happy to have another adult in the house, they expect that person to step in and share the responsibility of discipline.

6. My new spouse will make sure the kids treat me with respect.

This is another one that SHOULD happen, but unfortunately a lot of parents are still wrestling with a sense of guilt over breaking up the family. The guilt continues as the parent feels that the children are being forced into a new and different family. Guilt can get in the way of biologicaly parents requiring their children to treat the new member of the family with respect.

Dear Lauren,

 I adore my step-children and I want to share in their lives.  My husband seems to resent this.  He often speaks in terms of ‘me’ and ‘mine’ when referring to them or to activities that we share with these children.  I have no children of my own and understood when we got married that my husband’s family would be my family, too.  Am I expecting too much?  Should I excuse myself from contact with these children?

 – Hurt & Bewildered

 Dear Hurt & Bewildered,

 Step-parenting can be a difficult job for many reasons.  The step-parent is often eager to parent and become the best parent they can be for their new children.  Sometimes, a new step-parent, in their enthusiasm, may try to be too much too soon.  There is the parent one becomes when they newly step into a parenting role, and there is the parent one becomes through time and trial. The first can happen with marriage; the second happens over time.  The process can be a long, hard, slow one for the eager new step-parent.  In addition, a step-parent needs to slow down enough to integrate their step-parenting style with the needs, expectations, and acceptance of the step-child – as well as their new spouse and even, to a lesser extent, the new spouse’s ex.

It sounds like you and your husband have had a misunderstanding.  I encourage you to go back to the original discussion and find out where you misunderstood each other.  You may both, for example, fundamentally believe that his family is your family, too, but have different expectations about how that would happen.

 A parent may want to share their children with their new spouse, but feel uncomfortable about, among other things:  sharing disciplining; the style of discipline; the use of the phrase ‘our children;’ the idea of ‘walking’ into a parenting role; sharing pride and commentary over a child’s accomplishment.  In short, a parent can feel proprietary about their children.

Likewise a new step-parent has certain expectations about what they imagine their role and relationships to be.  Rather than excuse yourself from contact with the children, I encourage you to take it slowly and talk to your husband.  Talk to him about your original discussion and your expectations.  Ask him about his expectations.  Discuss what behaviors/attitudes/semantics he is comfortable with and what he is not.  Likewise, let him know what you feel comfortable with and what you do not.  Together find a new understanding about what will work for you.

As the newly entering parent, I encourage you to bring your own unique qualities into your relationship and follow your husband’s lead regarding pacing and transition.  Learn about your new role and children and evolve slowly and steadily into a satisfying parenting role. 

If you and your husband are still experiencing discord, I encourage you – both of you, if he is willing – to seek the help of a therapist.  Blending families is challenging business, and there are no rule books.  A therapist can help you and your husband have an open, honest, and forward-moving dialogue which moves you closer to having the kind of family you want.

Best Regards, 

Lauren

Do you ever feel torn between wanting your step-children to like you and knowing that you still need to have rules and discipline? Have you found that letting the biological parent handle all the discipline doesn’t work really well all the time.

Blended families are becoming more and more common in today’s world. Consequently, more kids are being raised partially by step-parents. If you don’t have a good idea of the role of a step-parent, you will probably go through difficult times full of power struggles and disrespect.

Love and Logic teaches parents how to be consultant parents. Consultant parents give kids plenty of opportunities to succeed and to fail and then, in a loving way, they allow the consequences of their step-children’s (and their own children’s) actions to teach life’s lessons.

For instance, consultant parents are great at applying consequences with empathy and avoid using sarcasm, anger, and frustration. By doing so, their step-children tend to see their own mistakes as the cause of their discomfort rather than the parent or step-parent.

Consultant parents take good care of themselves by understanding that their step-children are grieving the loss of the family structure that existed when mom and dad were together. Therefore they don’t take personally the disrespectful comments that their step-children make towards them. Instead they model how to treat people with respect by treating their step-children with respect. They may also say something like, “Huh” and then walk away knowing that the more words they use when the child is upset the worse the interaction will be for all involved. Then, when emotions have been calmed, step-parents can use Love and Logic techniques to teach the importance of respect much more effectively.

Another thing that consultant parents do is use enforceable statements. Rather than telling their step-children what to do, they tell their step-children what they will do. This doesn’t mean that they use threats such as, “if you don’t get this place cleaned up, then your going to stay here until you do!” Instead, consultant parents may say something like, “I’ll be happy to take you to your friends house tonight as soon as this area is clean.”

To find out more about what you can do as a step-parent to strengthen your relationship with your step-kids, visit parentarizona.com.

Have a nice day and good luck.

Shiloh Lundahl, LMSW

Step parent adoption may be a common form of adoption. Needless to mention, the complete adoption procedure for step parents is sometimes easier than different types of adoption. For instance you may not be required to have a home study completed nor be represented by a lawyer, but you might would like to own a criminal background check.Consent of Biological ParentOnce you have got agreed to become the step parent of your new spouses child you become accountable for that child. First though, each your spouse and the opposite parent of the kid should offer their consent for you to adopt the child.Often, it will be tough to get the opposite parents consent. If your former spouse refuses to consent, the adoption will not be allowed unless their parental rights are terminated for another reason like abandonment or unfitness.

However once you are doing get it, the biological parent who is not living with the child, then has no rights or responsibilities for the child. They will no longer have the correct to visit with the child nor will they be able to form selections relating to problems like medical treatment or education. In addition, they will no longer be accountable for child support.Conjointly, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles of the noncustodial parent are now not legally related to the child.Step Parent Adoption Costs With an Attorney:Lawyers fees will value up to 00 and a further $ two hundred for court fees. They will do a home visit, and they can want 3 or four letters of advice concerning the parent who is adopting the kid, from friends, co-workers, etc. The lawyer can give all of the documents necessary for you and also the noncustodial spouse to complete.Following this comes the court date with the decide, when the lawyer files everything that is needed.Step Parent Adoption Costs Without an Attorney:If the noncustodial parent is in agreement with it, it can build things much cheaper. Here are the documents that you may would like to send to them:Initial you’ll would like to fill out a Final and Irrevocable Consent to Adoption – signed and notarized. Next a Consent to Terminate Parental Rights (Unleash of kid by Parent) will would like to be crammed out, signed and notarized.You may then want to fill out a Petition and Affidavit to Terminate Parental Rights of Noncustodial Parent…signed and notarized. Once this is complete you and your new spouse will need to fill out an Adoption Affidavit to Establish Monetary Ability, signed and notarized.

Once every of these documents have been accurately completed you’ll be able to take them to the court house and file your Petition for Adoption. Filing it can value a small fee of roughly 0.00.Do not forget to require all your paperwork, for example, the kid’s birth certificate, plus your marriage certificate.When everything is approved and filed, you will get a court date.This whole method may be cheaper, however you might not be sure where to go to urge all of those document. You may contact Child Welfare Services for more detailed info.How Long Does Step Parent Adoption Take?This can conjointly vary per state. For example, in some states you must are married to the child’s parent for a year or more before you’ll be aloud to become a step parent.However, laws can vary from state to state, therefore it’d be best to search out out the laws in your State or Province first.Refer to the Child Welfare website to induce specifics relating to state laws on this matter.

Dear Lauren,

I was recently married to a woman who has three sons.  I married with the full intention and desire to help parent and raise the boys.  Now I am finding that I meet a lot of resistance from my wife.  Every time I tell the boys to do or not do something, she runs interference, contradicts me in front of them, and minimizes me as a person and a parent.

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up -

Blending parenting styles can be a challenging task, especially if one is joining a pre-existing family.  Family dynamics, routines, and expectations are already in place.  As the newest one to the family system, you can easily be perceived as the outsider messing up the family system because … well, to a certain extent you are.  By simply adding another person to the mix, in this case a step-father, the family system must evolve.  It will, undoubtedly, be a more complex system.  Ideally, the trajectory will be forward and upward so that everyone feels fulfilled and satisfied.  But there will be some bumps along the way.

Needless to say, this takes a lot of work.  Much of it takes place between the husband and wife behind closed doors.  They have to calmly and respectfully discuss parenting styles, goals, and roles.  The transition to shared parenting and a more integrated family system can’t happen without the biological parent’s support — or the step-parent’s willingness to defer to the biological parent, bide his time, and transition slowly.  The change won’t happen overnight.

There are likely many other issues which may be complicating the transition.  Some common ones for children, as a result of a new marriage, are: moving to a new area; not being near family and friends; hearing conflicting negative talk from the other biological parent about the new step-parent; guilty feelings, feeling like they’re betraying biological parent; resentment toward new step-parent for ‘changing things;’ resentment toward step-parent for ‘taking away’ all his mom’s attention.  Having a new person, not of your choosing, coming into your home, taking up your parent’s time, and having authority over you is no small transition for a child.  By necessity, the transition must be loving, supportive, and gradual.

It is important that the children feel like the parents have a firm handle on the transition, that the parents are united, that they as kids are respected, and that the pathways for communication are open.  What does this look like?  Parents meeting behind closed doors to discuss parenting issues.  Some issues might include how to handle chores, what are reasonable consequences for various infractions, and how to deliver them.  Parents must be united on this.  If there is a disagreement, then work to find the pathway for an agreeable transition needs to be developed.  The good of the children is the guiding principle.  For instance, if the biological parent allows the children to watch hours of TV, more than the new step-parent is comfortable, it’s a good idea to discuss the issue of TV watching and do research..  If the new parent speaks in a tone that is harsher than is helpful, it’s a good idea to discuss the idea and research alternatives.  The biological parent has the lead, but without a willingness to compromise and integrate the new step-parent, the step-parent will remain on the outside and, in all likelihood, begin to develop resentment.  The new step-parent has an authority by simply virtue of position, but without respecting the biological parent’s lead and connection, he risks a power struggle with both his spouse and his step-children.

If you have already tried talking to your wife about your concerns, I recommend getting the help of a therapist to help your sort out these parenting issues.  When there are conflicts in blending families, the issues are often emotionally charged and visceral.  I also recommend reading books and articles on successfully blending families and being a step-father.  Author Ron Taffel is always an excellent source of information on parenting.  The task of blending a family can take a high toll on the marriage.  Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family, by Susan Wisdom and Jennifer Green, can begin to offer some insights on how to work together to blend successfully.

Best Regards,

Lauren